The Girlfriend Effect

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Statutory Warning: The following blog has been produced to address major problems dawned upon the male fraternity with the advent of technology.

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Being in love and surviving is not as easy as it used to be before 80's. Those were the golden days, even if you were engaged or every single tissue of your body was committed towards the girl supposedly of your dreams, all you had to do was meet her if she was nearby or articulately write occasional letters explaining your love. Even if you had received a letter, you had tons of times to write back, no hurry. One had ample time to be in a relationship and enjoy life.

Problem: "Mobile"ization

Dream On, as it certainly cant be your case in today's tech-savvy world. However, levels of mobilic atrocities vary with your progress in relationship. In early days, when you have to pitch your case to the lovely lady (confusion), you need to continuously monitor your mobile phone for a missed call or an SMS. In early days, you damn yourself for having missed a call or having read SMS after 2 minutes. You have to make sure that you reply before T+1 min of receiving any SMS or your case will rest in peace. In such a scenario, one ridicules disclaimers about side-effects of carrying a mobile.

Telephonic conversation is the best mode of interaction with a lady. In more than 90% of the calls, the lady would do the talking and you have to reply with occasional "hmmm", "i understand" etc and you can survive a one hour call under forty spoken words. However, such a feat can only be continuously achieved by answering promptly and the most lovingly way of call-introductory questions and wise selection of timing to blurt "hmmm" etc. Telephonic calls are tricky to handle, they are means to keep track of your mental, physical & psychological  condition/coordinates. Never pick up and say you are with a friend or you would end up reciting friend's bio-data. It might start a fight or invite multiple questions, if your lady hears a female voice , or music or for that matter of fact any background voice. I wish there were a gadget to filter voice, mix it with one's choice of background  disturbance before transmitting it. Calls have no boundaries, you might even be asked and forced to oblige request for taking calls while in loo. Trying to dodge calls often proves out to be lethal. It will invite more frequent calls/SMSes asking for updates and a hidden desire to pull off own hair off the skull. :)

Solution: In early days of relationship or in case of possible success, select a geographic location with best possible tower reading on your mobile. Dont be foolish to care about your physical condition after the call. However, if your relationship period exceeds more than 4 months, chose a posture you would be comfortable in before calling or receiving a call. I would suggest a bed. Do have magazines, eatables, drinks etc within your arm's reach. Learn the art of quantum sleeps.

Personally I hate Short Message Service, for one its very cumbersome on gradually decreasing cellphone size to write a text message. If your text message is long or you are a fanatic of expressing your thoughts in full words (devoid of short terms), your fingers will literally kill you after a while. Ladies on the other hand, cunningly, prefer short form for words. They have the agility and ability to write, I guess, 50 SMSes within two minutes - approximately the time it will take you to read, decipher words and understand (inconspicuous) one SMS. Most of the times, you will end up receiving multiple messages while you were trying your best to write one and if you decide to wait n reply after reading the next received message, you will end up replying after receiving the message "r u bsy" or "bz?".Thirdly, its a financial distress. For this, all kudos to telecom service providers. Messages like "good morning", "good night", "love you" etc. will force you to think whether it is worth one rupee? Would not you prefer to call instead and have a better value for money? The suffering is not over yet, there are multitude of forwarded SMSes which will make your life living hell. It does not matter what you think of that silly question or opinion or sher or statement, if you dare to reply and your reply does not match your lady's thoughts on the same, May GOD have mercy on you.

Solution: Before chosing SMS path of interaction, think a lot, come up with witty answers to deny the same, chose calling instead. However, if you are a trapped soul, search for the best SMS package available in the market, even if that would require hassles in changing service provider or number.

Problem: Style Statement

A girl is never a Reacher, they settle for you while continuously trying to change your aesthetics. Shopping etc are mundane problems and are not worthy of slot in this blog. Few legends in this field have shamelessly accepted that they were subjects of experiments to artificially produce a cine-star look alike. Be alarmed on the very first instance of request for a photograph, if its for a digital picture visit a temple. Your photograph will be critically reviewed by your lady's female friends and should be good enough to attract approval. Comb your hair, trim your finger nails, get prepared with a thorough make-up before posing for a snap and do have a smile on your face to avoid trouble. Pictures are the most preferred way of monitoring and trust me you would not like reactionary comments, mostly suggestions. Technology plays its own role in destroying a boy's careless nature. At the extreme end, Deeply committed males have to go through the trouble of looking at their best on a daily basis to produce good photographs

Solution: Dispose off all gadgets with digital camera. Learn borrowing digital camera for occasional photographs.

Problem: Time Scarcity

Few months into the relationship, you would suddenly realize that you are unable to manage your daily schedule. Majorly because of two reasons. First, being the mute listener on the other end of the line while your lady goes on explaining her day-to-day problems, observations, views etc to you. Second, Thinking of acceptable reasons for not being in continuous communication. Other reasons include, carrying ordered set of activities by your lady, day-dreaming, answering questions about your girlfriend to your friends, being subject of mockery for being in a relationship etc.

Solution: Buy a headphone and carry feasible activities while on call. Blame it to study/work for unavailability.

Problem: Alien Friends

Legend has it, having a girlfriend is the easiest way of alienating/losing your friends. Technology - the spoilsport. As you would have guessed it right, its because of time scarcity. 80% because of your lady love. 20% because of her friends which you have to mandatory tend to. They would occupy most of your online chatting list, would ping you more often that not and bug you with notorious questions. You would be asked to continuously update your profiles/pictures. Select the best photograph among the photographs you were forced to pose for while you were on a trip or playing or during any activity and put it on networking websites. Just for the sake of your lady to have discussions with her friend and vote for the best photograph you have. While taking photographs you are supposed to act natural and should look like you are completely devoted to that activity. You would learn this art when your relationship period reads more than one year. However, It does not end here, you have to respond to all the comments on your photograph even "nice pic" to avoid direct or indirect trouble. How come one is expected to have time at his expense to spend with anyone else? I would like to request the "Friend" community to co-operate with the already tormented soul.

Solution: Talk to your lovely lady and ask for permission to spend time with friends. It does not work any other way round. Utilize Invisible mode and be inactive on networking websites because of some absurd reason.

Every boy has unique set of problems while handling his girlfriend, as every girlfriend thinks herself to be unique and are interested in creating unique problems. Entire male community will be thankful to you if you share your problems with us and contribute to the holy cause of empowering them with ways to handle such problems.

~HTIA

~ChocsnMishtisAssured
OR
~NOM (for sentimontionally challenged ppl)